Pregnancy Terms

Here is a list of pregnancy terms and I came across and developed during my pregnancy. Like most of my projects I had hopes to get this done before baby came, and of course unlike me my baby was not only on time he was EARLY. He gets that from Daddy. So here goes, I hope you enjoy. Please know I am sarcastic so very little of these terms will be hearty felt, but some may be funny. Okay you’ve been warned now go enjoy.

Pregnancy test – the pee stick you will want to buy numerous boxes of to rule out phantom babies, large lunches and gas as the reason why you are expanding.

Panel pants – pants that seem normal but have a big stretchy part around the belly that you can just expand into. Reason to love panel pants they grow with you as you begin to gain more and more pregnancy-related weight. The reasons I don’t love them, they rarely look stylish and they rarely come in my size (read, length). If I do find them, which again is rare, they are not on sale. Hey niche market is a niche market.

O.B. Appointments/ the “show” – What start out as monthly check ins and quickly turn into frequent visits and check ups on your system. Leaving you laying there like a turkey at Thanksgiving. The good news is,  this is nothing new for your doctor and he or she will be the one who will expertly extract your infant so let them do their thing. Meanwhile remember to get your dignity at the door, you won’t need it at the doctor’s office.

Tenant – another name for baby in the womb. Granted he or she is a bit of a freeloader for not paying any rent while living off of you while swimming in a large pool warm pool, but then again doesn’t this prepare you for the next 18 years?

Fetus – my nickname for our future child. Baby seems much to endearing and “Hallmarky” I am much more cynical and sarcastic, terms of endearment revolve around “Fetus” or  “Tenant.”

Pelvic Floor – what your birthing class teacher will keep pushing a fake baby through to illustrate just how impossibly narrow your pelvis really is and how tight of a squeeze you can expect to encounter. Oh the joys that await.

Pregnancy rack – Yes, you heard me correctly, it’s the new set of breasts you are most likely going to acquire during your pregnancy, rending your cute, colorful bras useless and instead involved the use of large, fully cupped bras that help lift your new heavy burdens heaven-bound once more. They will grow more with breast feeding, this is a guarantee.

Pregnancy Books – approximately 13 of them will be given to you by various friends and loved ones. Each with many chapters to scare you into thinking that you will never birth this baby or survive the experience alive. Meanwhile the other books will attempt you to laugh through the stretch marks, leaking boobs and diaper blow outs like it’s a stand-up routine. And it’s not, it’s not funny it’s frightening no matter how you spin it.

Rupert or Carmichael – the two names we were telling people we were considering naming our future son. Neither is true, but it gets people off our backs who don’t have any polite comments on why we would EVER EVER name our child THIS particular name. Try prying the name out of me, you will have to get it out with the jaws of life from my kung fu grip. Just TRY.

Baby’s room – the space you will house your Infant. Former guest room now covered in brightly colored decorations and a pile of bags containing baby gear. We anticipated that this pile would grow as we neared term. My mom the organizational guru helped put his room in order within one weekend.

Alcohol – the one thing that reeked when I was first pregnant and now smells better than freshly baked bread, chocolate brownies and the smell of fresh linens. Willing to fight to the death for a beer, but know that my Tenant wouldn’t appreciate it.

“Funny” comments – things people say that they think make them witty when in fact they make you want to run for the nearest bathroom stall to cry your biddy eyes out. “Wow, look how you’ve grown,” and “you need panel pants” are cute when you are still a size 2 or something or perhaps under the age of this many (show three fingers) and you’ve shot up a couple of inches, not expanded a foot-and-a-half outward.

Sleep – the one thing I am noticed change more than my rotund figure. I woke through out the night for bathroom breaks, gasped when turning and realizing that even though I needed more room my cat would still sleep in my face and lick my eye lids – eww.

Science Project – What I refer to myself and my pregnancy, I am fascinated by the changes and amazed at the progress (appetite and all), but I am not sentimental and I am not lovey dovey about it all. I am keeping it real.

“Hallmarky” – Folks who consider the pregnancy a miracle (unless you consider Mother Nature outsmarting us), an amazing, memorable, wonderful (3 AM bathroom breaks are not amazing but I will say they are memorable), relaxing ( it is not, I have never been more stressed), enjoyable, awe-inspiring, godly experience (atheists have babies too, just sayin’). I can’t relate. I am open minded to what’s going on, but I am not in love with losing the waist and gaining massive amounts of bump.

Hercules – our future child’s new nickname after our first shower in August. That name one, I can no longer lovingly refer to him as “Fetus” he is now Hercules until birth. It could have been worse, it could have been Herman or C-Pot and no I won’t explain why those are worse, it’s far too incriminating.

Those were the terms I gained along with the weight gain and memories from the last 9 months. Take them with a grain of salt 🙂 Pregnancy was sarcastic but motherhood is a new experience all of its own.